October ‘19 Horror Movie Reviews #2: “The Ritual”

Oh boy. So, as I’m watching this I kept thinking to myself, ”I’ve seen this before”. It wasn’t until the end that I remembered that I HAD seen it before. I wasn’t a fan then, I’m not now. In fact, as memory recalls, I was drunk when I first saw it. I thought that was supposed to make things better?!?

Anyway, five friends are setting up a bro-cation (I’m coining that) and two of said friends go into a store to grab a bottle of vodka and stumble across a robbery. One dude, the main cat of the movie, hides like a bitch and his buddy gets hacked up by a couple of meth heads.

The remaining four English buddies decide to do the hiking trip in remembrance of their recently deceased homie and, of course, the one whiny, tubby dude if the bunch falls and twists his ankle. This makes the group reroute their hike through the woods, as opposed to around, which was the original plan.

Ok, this is long winded. Here goes...

They find a rickety ass, dilapidated shack in the middle of these creepy ass woods and because it’s storming, they break in to avoid the elements. Yep. Breaking and entering.

They see a large, straw effigy of a person without a head upstairs and STILL FUCKING STAY THERE!

They all have some fucked up dreams, the one dude sees a big ass creature in the woods. Said creature starts picking them off. Two dudes left, the whiny bitch and the wuss puss that hid when his friend was getting filleted by some drug suckers.

These two winners end up running from this creature only to get captured by a group of Swedish hillbillies (sorry, they were in Sweden) and the crybaby with the bad ankle get sacrificed to this big ol horse/man/ancient being/ giant dear thing that likes to hang people up in trees like Christmas ornaments. The main guy sets the place on fire after realizing that these inbreeds have been sacrificing randos to this nightmare unicorn for a long fucking time.

K. So Luke (the protagonist and dip shit that let his buddies all die) escapes from the burning house and is confronted by the weird ass dinohorse thing. It wants him to bow. He doesn’t want to so he smacks it in the fucking face with an axe he took from the house.

At this point, this thing is pissed and starts chasing Luke. He escapes the forest, yells back at “Mr. Ed from hell”, who apparently can’t leave the forest and, end credits.

Meh. My twelve year old may have been scared...

4.5 out of 10 fucks given.




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